Entry tags:
She Is Gone
I am not one to post to my own page much, but rather reply to other folks.
Over the last few months my beloved's health worsened. We knew there were several issues impacting her health in the last few years, but we added a few on top of what we had been dealing with, in these last 6 months.
It all came to a head a few weeks ago when we had an appointment with one of her specialists. The doctor said there was nothing more they could do to help her known conditions, and we all agreed it was time to move from palliative care, to hospice.
My beloved went from struggling to manage her conditions, to a coma, to finally, taking leave of this earth. I spent days sleeping in bits and pieces of maybe 2-3 hours in 24. I was by her side every moment except for bio breaks and the occasional meal. I had some help thankfully, friends came in to let me rest a few hours, or spell me a bit from the at times, hourly medications I had to give my beloved. Hospice, though they are "always there" for us, does not provide a nurse or caregiver 24x7. I could call an 800 number and talk with someone, or have them dispatch a nurse who would come to assess the situation, call in for extra meds or help with turning my beloved, and reassure me, but then they would take leave. Don't get me wrong, they were a BLESSING to have on the phone or to send a nurse out, and I would not have gotten through this without their aid, but there were moments, at 2am, with my beloved's breathing jagged and where she was trying to get out of bed every 30 seconds, I questioned my sanity and a nurse would have been helpful on site.
The last few days the day nurse stopped by and gasped "It could be any time now, it will be soon!" and the night nurse shook her head "It could be any time, this is part of the process, it will be soon". Yet my beloved, the strong headed woman, hung on. For days! At one point, a nurse remarked "I've seen where people are like this for weeks or months, prepare yourself for that". I thought to myself that if it were months, I'd need a nurse, if not for my beloved, at least for ME! I was beyond felony stupid.
After about 10 days on hospice, my beloved was at the point of multiple days of jagged breathing. It was hard to watch, as I knew she struggled. Every day I wondered, would this be the day? Late one night I sat down to write an email while sitting near my wife. I heard my beloved jaggedly breathe as she had been for days. It wasn't really a rattle, just more noise than usual. I looked over, I got up and kissed my wife, told her I loved her, gave her permission to leave. Her lips and jaw moved to kiss me back. I again gave her permission again to go and started timing her breaths with my phone timer. I looked over, she took one more breath and that was it. Peacefully, she slid into the night.
It will take some time for me to catch up on my sleep, all while grieving the woman that I loved. I don't know what the next few weeks or months look like for me, but I take pride in having loved my wife completely and taken good care of her through her last moments.
She is singing with the heavenly chorus now. May she finally be at peace.
Over the last few months my beloved's health worsened. We knew there were several issues impacting her health in the last few years, but we added a few on top of what we had been dealing with, in these last 6 months.
It all came to a head a few weeks ago when we had an appointment with one of her specialists. The doctor said there was nothing more they could do to help her known conditions, and we all agreed it was time to move from palliative care, to hospice.
My beloved went from struggling to manage her conditions, to a coma, to finally, taking leave of this earth. I spent days sleeping in bits and pieces of maybe 2-3 hours in 24. I was by her side every moment except for bio breaks and the occasional meal. I had some help thankfully, friends came in to let me rest a few hours, or spell me a bit from the at times, hourly medications I had to give my beloved. Hospice, though they are "always there" for us, does not provide a nurse or caregiver 24x7. I could call an 800 number and talk with someone, or have them dispatch a nurse who would come to assess the situation, call in for extra meds or help with turning my beloved, and reassure me, but then they would take leave. Don't get me wrong, they were a BLESSING to have on the phone or to send a nurse out, and I would not have gotten through this without their aid, but there were moments, at 2am, with my beloved's breathing jagged and where she was trying to get out of bed every 30 seconds, I questioned my sanity and a nurse would have been helpful on site.
The last few days the day nurse stopped by and gasped "It could be any time now, it will be soon!" and the night nurse shook her head "It could be any time, this is part of the process, it will be soon". Yet my beloved, the strong headed woman, hung on. For days! At one point, a nurse remarked "I've seen where people are like this for weeks or months, prepare yourself for that". I thought to myself that if it were months, I'd need a nurse, if not for my beloved, at least for ME! I was beyond felony stupid.
After about 10 days on hospice, my beloved was at the point of multiple days of jagged breathing. It was hard to watch, as I knew she struggled. Every day I wondered, would this be the day? Late one night I sat down to write an email while sitting near my wife. I heard my beloved jaggedly breathe as she had been for days. It wasn't really a rattle, just more noise than usual. I looked over, I got up and kissed my wife, told her I loved her, gave her permission to leave. Her lips and jaw moved to kiss me back. I again gave her permission again to go and started timing her breaths with my phone timer. I looked over, she took one more breath and that was it. Peacefully, she slid into the night.
It will take some time for me to catch up on my sleep, all while grieving the woman that I loved. I don't know what the next few weeks or months look like for me, but I take pride in having loved my wife completely and taken good care of her through her last moments.
She is singing with the heavenly chorus now. May she finally be at peace.